Constant State of Want
by Lady Leanan Sidhe
Summary: 1x2 Songfic, angst, death?


Okay, this is my first post on here so be gentle. I wrote this story a long time ago and only recently found it. I only have one or two shonan-ai ficcies because I have my own GW characters that I like to write with. I do NOT own any of these characters so don't sue me, I'm a college student and only have $25 in my bank account.

Song: 'Constant State of Want' by Christine Lavin off her 'Don't Make Me Too Happy' album.

Warnings: 1x2 Shonan-ai, angst, death?

Reviews: Loved but be mature about it. Don't say 'this is stupid' because you sound like a 2 yo that got the wrong coloring book. 

**Constant State of Want**

Gundam Wing Songfic by Leanan Sidhe (aka Velvet Dryad) 

_ "I never thought I'd give up on you_

_But sometimes you've got to do_

_What you've got to do_

_We've been engaged in a tug of war,_

_I don't want to play this anymore" _

"No, I can't do this one more day Heero." Duo was nearly in tears, his eyes burning in threat of releasing the watery, salty downfall. He was looking out over the grassy expanse of the deserted field, the swirling breeze catching his braid and causing it to sway like a wayward ribbon. His back was to Heero, his hands clenching and unclenching in his pockets in nervousness and dislike.

"I'm sorry." He heard his lover, soon to be ex-lover, whisper tenderly behind him and Duo sighed, bowing his head. He didn't want to break up with Heero and had tried many times to think of an alternative to his decision, but nothing had worked. Heero was too damn cold, the soldier had pierced him through and through. Duo couldn't take the hurt anymore; the unwant, the emotional weariness, the physical weariness of crying himself to sleep. He had tried talking to Heero, explaining how he felt, but he hadn't listened.

"I don't know if you can even feel sorrow Heero." Duo turned on his heel to look at him, a tear slipping from the confines of his long lashes and sliding down his cheek like an icicle of finality and pain.

_ "You act content with the status quo_

_I think any second everything will blow_

_You seem so blissfully unaware_

_Of building friction in the air." _

Duo had actually hoped that Heero would protest with the decision Duo had made, it would show that the Wing pilot actually cared enough to fight for something he wanted and not what he was ordered to want. But the cold soldier had merely nodded like he was excepting a simple mission, and turned, walking back to the summerhouse (which Quatre owned) that all the Gundam pilots were comfortable residing at. Duo watched his departing back until his tears made everything look like a swirling watery grave.

"Damn you Heero Yuy." He softly cursed to the wind, wiping his eyes fiercely with his jacket sleeve. "Damn you and your cold mask. Damn you for making me love you." He shook his head and hugged himself against the chill in the air and the chill in his fracturing heart as he walked the same path Heero had back to the house.

The next few days Duo's stomach felt like a tight knot of hot nerves. He tried to act normal when he was around the others, cracking jokes and talking excitedly. But when he was alone he tried his best not to scream and yell and curse Heero Yuy for all he was worth. Heero hadn't card! Duo had merely been a toy, a comfort, a conquest, a mission. Why should Duo cry and become angry over Heero when Heero never seemed to love him! But what about his tender whispered words in Duo's ear, those rare smiles, his gentle touch and soft brush of fingers over Duo's bare skin. Did those mean nothing?

All in all, Duo felt worse now than when he was still with Heero.

_ "I'm living in a constant state of want_

_I'm always wanting more than you can give_

_You're living in a constant state_

_Of pulling away from me_

_This is no way to live." _

Quatre seemed to be the only one who notices the growing void between Heero and Duo. It was odd to see the hidden glances that Duo gave Heero at the dinner table and he could hear the forces tone in the braided teen's laughter when he actually snapped out of his daze to laugh. No longer did he see Heero and Duo walk alone in the rose garden at sunset, the last colorful rays of the warm sun bathing the two lovers in its comforting embrace. He never actually saw them in the same room any more as a matter of fact, unless it was dinner, and Heero would often either skip meals or bring them up to his room. It was like Heero sensed when Duo was coming towards the room he was residing in and casually got up and left before the braided teen could enter.

Duo was becoming more and more withdrawn everyday, spending a lot of time wandering about the outer halls of the house or in his room with the music blaring loud enough o make the walls in that area vibrate with the fierce angry bass.

Heero worked more and more viciously on the Wing Zero, concentrating all his energy on the Gundam, practically putting his life into it. Quatre didn't want to ask either of them what was going on. He knew Heero would either glare at him or grunt something along the lines of 'nothing' or 'it's none of your business' while Duo would just put on his jester's mask, smirk, and ask him why he thought anything was wrong. Whatever it was, it was slowly and painfully killing them both.

_ "Our friends think we have got it made_

_Our plate is full, our dues are paid_

_They see no straining at the seams_

_We've learned to live within our means." _

Duo turned as he heard a familiar voice beckon him only to see Wufei walking swiftly towards him. He forced a cheery smile all the while wanting the justice ridden teen to just go away and leave him be.

"Hey Wu-man!" He greeted with a pushed smile. Duo was an expert at acting what he was not therefore Wufei was never the wiser.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that Maxwell." The Chinese man scowled as he reached Duo and they began walking once more side by side.

"Tell me what?" Duo asked innocently since it was expected of him. Wufei snorted and rolled his eyes.

"I see." Was his response and Duo smiled, looking forward down the expanse of the sunlit outer hall.

"So how are you and Milliar?" Duo asked casually and couldn't help but genuinely smile at the blush that highlighted Wufei's cheeks. He wasn't one to talk bravely and openly about his relationship with Milliard Peacecraft and it was a good thing cause if news got back to Relena she might've gone ballistic.

"Millard and myself are getting along well. And you and Heero?" Duo's throat closed over and he forced the tears back with all his strength.

"We're fine." He inwardly cursed himself for stretching the truth to Wufei, but he couldn't bring himself to tell the exact trust. He was surprised to see Wufei faintly smile.

"I have to admit that I envy your and Heero's relationship. It's as odd as night and day. He with his seriousness and you with your none stop senseless chatter. I don't know how you put up with him or he with you." He told Duo who inwardly grimaced.

"Don't envy us, Wufei." He told him softly, looking out of the window into the rose garden below where the sun glinted off the small droplets of morning dew resting on the many colored petals. "Your love is unique and priceless."

_ "But if they spied on us at night_

_Oh no, they would not hear us fight_

_But they'd feel the tension in the air_

_That you're pretending is not there." _

Duo took a deep breath and knocked on Heero's door, walking in without waiting for an answer. Heero never answered the door.

"Hey Heero!" He greeted with the usual façade of fake cheerfulness. "What's up?" He looked over Heero's shoulder at the laptop screen where he was reading the daily news briefs. Heero continued reading, ignoring Duo's warm presence at his back. Dup kept miming reading over his shoulder for a few more minutes, his heart aching deeply for the one he still loved but could not touch because of his own decision. Finally, he couldn't take the silence anymore. "Heero?" He softly inquired, dropping the cracking mask and stepping back, sinking down to sit on the bed, the bed in which they had fallen asleep embracing each other so many times. But now the bed was cold and perfectly made where it was always messed and never made before, showing Duo how much things had changed.

"Hn?" Heero grunted in reply, finally bothering to acknowledge Duo's presence.

"Why won't you talk to me at all?" Duo softly asked, his voice on the verge of breaking with emotion. There was silence for a moment and then Heero replied coldly.

"You made it quite clear you'd had enough of me." Duo shook his head wildly, his braid whipping about like a striking snake.

"Totally forgetting I exist was not what I meant and you know that!" He protested fiercely, trying to get his point through Heero's thick skull. "Heero, I've told you time and time again I love you deeply and it aches for me to break apart from you, but I feel the feeling is not mutual. You always trust me like a burden, a risk to some damn mission! The mission of living, of life. And now you act like nothing ever happened between us." Duo stared at Heero for a moment, burning holes into his back as Heero stared at the computer screen, as calm as a light breeze. Duo sighed and shook his head, standing. "I see that I'm correct. Sweet cold dreams Heero." He briskly walked towards Heero's door, opening and closing it behind himself without a sound.

Trowa watched Duo exit Heero's room in perplexion. He could see the hurt and anger in the teens stride but was not about to ask him what was wrong. He had a feeling Duo needed to be alone for now, to sort out his jumbled thoughts.

_ "No way to live_

_For two people_

_Who started out_

_With the best of intentions." _

Duo always treasured the memory of when he and Heero had first realized their feelings for each other. It was on a beach near the remnants of the great ancient city of San Francisco after a particularly hard battle against Mobile Dolls. Both he and Heero were injured and not willing to move from their spots on the soft, fine sand where they had collapsed after exiting their beat up Gundams. The Pacific Ocean waves pounded the dark shore like drums sending a living message to the Earth to fight the destruction occurring on its scarred surface. It was very soothing to the battle wearied boys staring up at the moon and her many consorts of twinkling starts.

"Heero?" Duo had ventured, watching the silvery glint of the moon off the ocean waters, an off sense of warm peace wrapping its arms around him in a cool blanket.

"Hn?" Heero had grunted in response, but not with his usual harshness.

"Why does the moon dance with her stars yet she doesn't dance with the sun?" It was an innocent question, a question of a boy grown up too fast. A boy who had never really been aloud to dream, to wish, only hope to survive the day. Heero seemed to understand this and shrugged, closing his Prussian eyes as a calm, salty, oceanic breeze sent little waves of sand their way.

"I don't know Duo. Maybe because he's hard to catch; he doesn't know she's chasing him." Was Heero's patient reply.

"But couldn't she make a net out of the velvet black dance floor of the starts?" Heero couldn't help but smirk at the poetic words Duo used.

"The stars would fall."

"She would have the one she really wanted and the Sun would realize the dance he was missing. The consorts would find other places to dance." Duo said logically and Heero tilted his head back in the sand to look at Duo.

"And what would the Sun do if he was caught?" He asked and Duo shrugged with a small, sad smile.

"Kiss her I suppose. He's honorable and would give her a reward for catching him." He shifted his fingers through the sand, causing little rivets to form. He blinked as Heero's hand slid through the sand towards his. He moved his own hand forward, meeting Heero's hand where their fingers intertwined.

"Lady Moon must be very happy then." Heero had whispered more tenderly than Duo had ever heard his tone before and smiled softly.

"Very." He had almost inaudibly replied.

_ "No way to live_

_You fight for privacy_

_I fight for your attention." _

Although things were happy between Heero and Duo, they were also stressed. Heero loved, or at least thought he loved Duo but he didn't know how to show his feelings. So most of the time he kept silent around Duo, just holding the braided teen when he wanted to try and express his feelings. Verbal expressions of feeling were not Heero's forte.

Then Heero started pushing Duo away, locking the door of his room against his lover. No matter how much Duo would chatter at the closed door, Heero would not admit him entrance. That's what really drove Duo away.

_ "I'd rather live all by myself_

_Then free fall down this burning well . . ." _

"Is this really necessary Duo?" Quatre's sweet tone was full of worry as he put a box of CDs down on the apartment counter. Duo smiled slightly, putting his hands on his hips and looking about the small living room.

"'Fraid so Quatre." He said softly, turning to look at his blond haired friend who looked about to burst into tears. "But don't worry! I've lived on my own before, I can do it again just fine."

"Yes, I know you can take care yourself Duo, but . . ." Quatre paused and sighed, his pain filled aquamarine eyes showing he was trying to think of a way to make Duo reconsider his decision and move back in with the rest of them at the summerhouse.

"Quatre," Duo whispered softly and Quatre looked up to see crystalline, glistening tears on the fringes of Duo's lashes. "It's torturing me, being around him but knowing that if I touch him I'll freeze to death. So this is the right decision, at least until Heero knows how and what to feel." Quatre looked at him measuringly and then gave him a shaky but sad smile.

"Alright . . ." He whispered.

_ ". . . You tell me everything is okay_

_I look in your eyes_

_You look away." _

Sighing and lifting up his last box of miscellaneous items, Duo himself wondered if this was the right idea, to run away.

"Where are you going?" A familiar voice said from behind.

"Away." He said softly, turning to look at Heero who was leaning cross armed against the doorframe. Heero raised an eyebrow at the sarcasm, but just repeated his question. Duo answered with, "Why do you care?"

"Because I want to know why you're leaving."

"You know why Heero." There was no toneless answer for that. They stood there in silence for a moment and then Heero opened his mouth to respond, but closed it, and then opened it again.

"I don't want you to go." Duo's heart filled with elation with those words but he also knew that Heero's words might just be that, mere words.

"Then prove it to me Heero." Dup whispered almost inaudibly, "Prove to me that you really love me, that you won't push me away and give me the cold shoulder. I don't care if you tell me you can't express your feelings for me as long as you admit it and prove that you do really love me and I'm not just something to take your mind away from the war for a few measly hours. Anything; just prove it to me." Dup looked straight at Heero's face, his torture filled violet eyes flickering to try and see every expression. Heero stared at him for a few moments, looking as if he wanted to say something but the words wouldn't emerge from his throat. Heero's eyes flickered and then looked to the floor. Duo nodded and caught a defeated sob in the base of his throat. He held the box tightly to his chest and brushed past Heero, leaving his room, and Heero, for the last time.

_ "You are content with the status quo_

_I know any second everything will blow_

_I find it impossible now to bear_

_A love that's turned into despair." _

Throwing back his head to pour the rest of the burning whiskey down his throat, Duo know what he had to do. He knew the solution to end the searing pain in his slowly disintegrating heart. He stood rather shakily, the pounding music humming pleasantly through his dizzy head as he walked to the liquor cabinet. He ran a finger over the three cool, glass bottles of liquor, reading the labels: Bourbon, Scotch, and a nice bottle of Merlot. He was not going to use something that exquisite for his plan. He took down the Bourbon and Scotch, unscrewing the caps and setting to work.

Ten minutes later found Duo sitting on the couch, a glass of the Merlot in one hand and a lighter in the other. The room smelled of alcohol, probably since the rug and everything around him was soaked with the flammable liquid. He flicked the flame to blaze alight and observed the flickering, dancing nymph.

"Well Heero, hope ya have a good life." He threw the lighter onto the soaked carpet, igniting his pain, and his life. 

TBC


End file.
